The Matthews Family Band members have all listened to this message many times because:

1. It’s hilarious and gets funnier each time.

2. We’re still trying to figure out her name. The closest we can get is Beefy Calf.

This is a message that was waiting for us on our old school answering machine one morning when we got up. My smarty pants commentary will be in parentheses.

Before I begin, I need to tell you that Beefy seems like a very nice, church-going, little old lady. A lady who has been driven to distraction — a distraction that turns out, is comedy gold.

“Yes, this is Beefy Calf. NO ONE has contacted me about checking my house. I don’t … I guess he’s kinda ticked ‘cause we let somebody do the underside. But I really … uh think that’s my choice?”

“And, he did not find that there’d been squirrels under there, and my husband went under there and said it’s pretty doggone obvious (I’m guessing this is pretty profane for Mizz Beefy) there’s been squirrels under there. And I think they did find a snakeskin under there. And he didn’t think there were squirrels under there. (As somebody who had a muskrat trying to dig its way into my kitchen in the middle of the night, I can tell you it’s quite disconcerting to have a wild animal working to invade one’s space).”

“So, is he gonna see ‘em today? I … I was thinking that I was gonna get a call from this guy that’s doing that who’s doing that on a regular basis and that’s ‘cause I think I really need…”

“But, I mean, there’s something in my house! We don’t know what it is, there’s a problem. And, ah I feel I’ve still got no response from them — at all! In any way.” (You have to admire a woman, obviously Southern and from an earlier generation standing up for herself and calling out what she believes is shoddy service).”

“I say that but he did send me an email and I haven’t checked it. But that’s not a way to communicate with a person who calls you and you’re supposed to contact ‘em because that’s telling me (Here comes my very favorite part) I gotta stay by my computer, and right now I can’t even get it to fire up!”

“So, um, I don’t really think that’s the problem, though, I think it’s just not unintelligibleum, and um he didn’t, I mean I didn’t … I did get on him because he didn’t do unintelligiblein what he shouldn’t have told you what he put on that paperunintelligibleyou don’t if he gonna pick.”

“So, I guess he’s kinda ticked at me so that’s ‘cause but, um, I can call another Bug Out office if I need to, I think they’re everywhere.”

“Um, but I do need you to send me what’s going on in my and um … I am hearing all these loud, LOUD noises under my house, and that is NOT normal.”

“And so, if you don’t mind giving me a call back I’d … oh …i t’s just strange.”

“Anyway, I would appreciate it. 919___-____ or 919___-____. I will be out in the shop doing things (Shop? What shop? Where did this shop come from and what does Beefy do in there?) but I’ll have both phones out there too.”

“OK, thank you.”


I’ve done a little research and discovered Beefy is from Selma and her name isn’t Beefy Calf, but something that when said by an irate Southern woman sounds very much like ‘Beefy Calf’.

You go, Mizz Beefy!

Thanks for your time.

Contact Debbie Matthews at